The Strained Voices of MMA

I forgive Tom Megalis. Moosin’s pay-per-view lead commentator is not actually a play-by-play professional but a voiceover artist, which is the equivalent of asking a recreational swimmer to go deep-sea diving or Usain Bolt to head to the Cowboys’ starting line-up. There may be some crossover of ability, but in the end, it’s not going to bode well for anybody. There might even be casualties.

Megalis helped narrate Friday’s car accident of a show driven by Mariusz Pudzianowski and Tim Sylvia. (In that equation, I am not certain whom to feel sorrier for.) He sang along to entrance music, spouted only the most trivial information about fighters (“Ralph Johnson is 6’5”!”) and generally proved what we didn’t ask for evidence of: that a guy narrating Pittsburgh Zoo commercials probably has very little to offer a sports broadcast.

Mixed martial arts has evolved in virtually every component of live television: there are high-definition pictures, backstage cameras, and a general sense of professionalism. The exception remains commentating, which has somehow regressed into a standard of complete mediocrity. If you can enunciate and steer the broadcast, it’s irrelevant whether or not you sound like screeching tires.

Good commentating can elevate the experience of a sporting event, offering insight and context for what’s witnessed. Bad commentating can utterly ruin a moment. Beyond talent, that line is often drawn based on the commentator’s own need to be recognized as part of the show.

The same night Megalis circled the drain, Mauro Ranallo was busy on a Strikeforce Challengers card on Showtime absolutely marinating in his own condescension. Aside from a bombastic, put-upon delivery that would seem better suited to a monster truck commercial, Ranallo is obsessed with chastising others. He is not a broadcaster so much as a lecturer.

Interviewing Roger Bowling after an errant glove stitch or finger appeared to damage his eye, Ranallo scolded the crowd for being disappointed with the anti-climactic ending. “I don’t know why the fans are booing,” he huffed. “It was a tremendous fight!” If you look for rationality in a mob of inebriated fight fans, you’re going home disappointed.

And there was the bizarre exchange with color commentator Pat Miletich, who pondered whether Bowling may have a scratched cornea. “That’s purely speculation,” Ranallo replied. “The last time I was at the Miletich residence, I did not see a medical degree on the wall.”

Later, Matt Lindland mistakenly referred to his own weight class as “welterweight” even though he’s a lifetime middleweight: Ranallo pounced. “You’re going to move down to 170? Ah ha ha ha!” (This was literally a high-pitched squeal.)

“No, no, 185,” Lindland answered.

“Ha, ha, you said welterweight!” (More squealing, like Frank Gorshin in the old “Batman” TV series.) Ranallo is perpetually terrified of anyone believing he or anyone in his vicinity has stated an erroneous fact. It’s blistering.

Because Ranallo is a polished voice -- even as his style is abrasive -- he will continue to find work. Because Mike Goldberg has put in 13 years with the UFC -- longer than the far superior Bruce Beck, his predecessor -- he will probably be a fixture of their broadcasts for years to come.

There are bright spots: Bellator’s Sean Wheelock and Jimmy Smith are a capable pair that have no interest in developing a quirky “personality” to sell themselves as part of the product. Their narration slides into the background where it belongs; WEC’s Todd Harris takes a similarly disciplined approach; Gus Johnson, if he can be convinced to tone down the hyperbole when it’s not needed, could be a standout.

Why do the grating personas outnumber the rest? It’s likely a case of getting what you pay for: the golden voices of sports broadcasting are normally tied to lucrative, major-league duties. If we see an MMA promotion pop up on another major network, it will probably be opportunity to hire someone who can draw his expected salary in another format -- especially if his preferred sport is in its off-season.

Until then, MMA commentating is a complacent business. As long as you’re not that bad, you’re good enough.