The Doggy Bag: Overtime at the Lab Edition

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Hypothetical: terrorists have kidnapped your family and in order to have them set them free, you need to provide them with five UFC fighters who will pass a complete drug test right this very second. Who do you choose to save your family's life? At this point, even Roy Nelson would make me nervous. -- Adam from Medford

Chris Nelson, associate editor: Adam, thanks for the best question I’ve ever been assigned for one of these mailbag columns.

I should preface my anwer by saying that, like the majority of people who work in MMA media, I have no real idea of who’s using until they’re busted. I’m not out there in the gyms, and even if I was, I’m sure I wouldn’t be seeing anything. Colleagues of mine who are in the field a bit more share things from time to time; even then, it’s second- and third-hand news. So, take this for what it is, just guesswork from a desk man.

The first impulse is to pick dudes who kind of look like slobs, since I’ve never taken steroids and that’s how it’s turned out for me. You joke about Roy Nelson, but you’re right, I don’t think I could confidently pick someone like “Big Country” or Mark Hunt. Physiques aside, they’re no spring chickens, and who knows what lengths a guy might have to go to in order to stay active and competitive after 10-plus years in heavyweight combat sports.

The first place to look is the top of the heap, the UFC champions, since none of the current 11 have ever tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs (or any drugs, Jon Jones aside). Of the champs, I think the safest choices are Demetrious Johnson and Ronda Rousey, both of whom have been vocal in their desire to eliminate PEDs and level the playing field. Actually, Johnson said he doesn’t care if his opponents are on steroids, which is even more badass. Rousey made it to the highest levels of judo and medaled at the Olympics without ever testing positive.

Next, I’m going the complete opposite direction: Vitor Belfort. He’s been busted twice by the Nevada Athletic Commission for elevated testosterone, which is exactly why he’s a solid choice here. Another positive test would keep him out of action and potentially earn him a ban in Nevada, and as a the current No. 1 middleweight contender, Belfort has more to lose than most. Plus, he already passed a random NAC drug test in November. I think it’s safe to say that Vitor is strictly on that GNC these days.

Here’s where I really start guessing and just have to pray for the safety of my loved ones.

How about Benson Henderson? Here’s a naturally gifted athlete who stays active and has never been flagged for anything in his career. He’s been fighting for Zuffa since 2009, and in that time, only one of his 18 fights has been outside of North America, so he’s been tested on the regular. Plus, you know his boy J.C. wouldn’t approve of PEDs. An alternate pick here would be Donald Cerrone, who couldn’t possibly have time to cycle on the schedule he keeps, but he did get popped for a diuretic back in the day.

Finally, Frankie Edgar. I don’t think I need to explain this one. Can you imagine Frankie Edgar taking drugs?

So, those are my picks: “Mighty Mouse,” Rousey, Belfort, Henderson and Edgar. Now, I sit back and hope none of them ever test positive, because that means the hypothetical terrorists have won.

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